5.31.99
(Decoration/Memorial Day)
Ugh.
I am so shagged out, I can’t even begin to describe it. I started out with a happy little trip to Hilo, which was quite pleasant, thank you…more about it later, and also have just returned from a pleasant little vacationette at the Hyatt Kauai Resort (also, more later) Now, I am facing a five day stint on Maui again. For those of you that have noticed my tardiness, thank you for noticing. I won't promice that my future days will hold more than twenty-four hours, but I shall attempt to make it look more like they do.
Lets see. Where shall we begin? My life has been really fuq'd recently, which as ever is a source of angst. It is nothing that I desire to broadcast over the Internet, though, so you'll have to wait until I feel better about myself, my lives, and my loves to do so.
RR has started to read my journals, which was kind of a surprise, because I thought he has been reading this thing all along. Well, in the thrill of reading them, he made some astute observations about my own life. Some of them were true, and others were fabrications, to be hashed out in later debate.
Later debate which nearly caused divorce.
However, this discussion was not necessarialy a bad thing, as we need to slap around our feelings and emotions every now and then to make sure that we are still living, breathing humans. Last week, I really wasn't sure what the hell it was that I wanted. Did I want to leave RR? Did I want to stay with RR? Did I want to run off to Hilo and be with Derrick? Did I want to be in Seattle and live the life of an artist in a garret? Did I just want to tear off my clothes and go running bareassed down the street? All of the above, actually.
In reality, now that the dust has settled somewhat, I have decided to take some of my own advice and talk. It's not pleasant for me to talk, I'm such a fucking introvert, internalizing everything. In fact, after one such conversation, RR said "I'd love to go on for hours listening to you breathe, but we've got things to do." Does that give you an idea of how my weekend has gone?
So, I blasted off to Hilo for three days to attempt to sort my life out. I actually made some headway in that department. I decided that I needed a friend in Derrick, not a lover (which believe me was the direction in which we were headed) I think we’re on level ground about that one, and for that I am deleriously happy. My feeble little mind is not broad enough to handle affairs. One lover is all that I can handle at any given moment.
That lover and I went off to Kauai for a whirliwnd trip to a magical place, the Kauai Hyatt resort. It's stunning, and we spent entirely too much money on cocktails in the paneled bar and basking in the sunlight slurping gin and tonic, but it was something that we both needed…to be alone, to be away and figure out what is all about to be in love. I'll admit that I had forgotten, and it is kind of nice to remember again.
As we speak, he's collapsed on my couch, nude, with his copy of Gardner McKay's latest novel clasped on his chest, recntly hosed down after our work party in the back yard. He's cute in his sleep, and I am just looking up at him and thinking "What a dolt I am…How could I want anything more than that guy on my couch?"
Indeed. How could I?
I'll check back with you lads next week. Send me some email…I never tire of hearing from you guys.
Ugh.
I am so shagged out, I can’t even begin to describe it. I started out with a happy little trip to Hilo, which was quite pleasant, thank you…more about it later, and also have just returned from a pleasant little vacationette at the Hyatt Kauai Resort (also, more later) Now, I am facing a five day stint on Maui again. For those of you that have noticed my tardiness, thank you for noticing. I won't promice that my future days will hold more than twenty-four hours, but I shall attempt to make it look more like they do.
Lets see. Where shall we begin? My life has been really fuq'd recently, which as ever is a source of angst. It is nothing that I desire to broadcast over the Internet, though, so you'll have to wait until I feel better about myself, my lives, and my loves to do so.
RR has started to read my journals, which was kind of a surprise, because I thought he has been reading this thing all along. Well, in the thrill of reading them, he made some astute observations about my own life. Some of them were true, and others were fabrications, to be hashed out in later debate.
Later debate which nearly caused divorce.
However, this discussion was not necessarialy a bad thing, as we need to slap around our feelings and emotions every now and then to make sure that we are still living, breathing humans. Last week, I really wasn't sure what the hell it was that I wanted. Did I want to leave RR? Did I want to stay with RR? Did I want to run off to Hilo and be with Derrick? Did I want to be in Seattle and live the life of an artist in a garret? Did I just want to tear off my clothes and go running bareassed down the street? All of the above, actually.
In reality, now that the dust has settled somewhat, I have decided to take some of my own advice and talk. It's not pleasant for me to talk, I'm such a fucking introvert, internalizing everything. In fact, after one such conversation, RR said "I'd love to go on for hours listening to you breathe, but we've got things to do." Does that give you an idea of how my weekend has gone?
So, I blasted off to Hilo for three days to attempt to sort my life out. I actually made some headway in that department. I decided that I needed a friend in Derrick, not a lover (which believe me was the direction in which we were headed) I think we’re on level ground about that one, and for that I am deleriously happy. My feeble little mind is not broad enough to handle affairs. One lover is all that I can handle at any given moment.
That lover and I went off to Kauai for a whirliwnd trip to a magical place, the Kauai Hyatt resort. It's stunning, and we spent entirely too much money on cocktails in the paneled bar and basking in the sunlight slurping gin and tonic, but it was something that we both needed…to be alone, to be away and figure out what is all about to be in love. I'll admit that I had forgotten, and it is kind of nice to remember again.
As we speak, he's collapsed on my couch, nude, with his copy of Gardner McKay's latest novel clasped on his chest, recntly hosed down after our work party in the back yard. He's cute in his sleep, and I am just looking up at him and thinking "What a dolt I am…How could I want anything more than that guy on my couch?"
Indeed. How could I?
I'll check back with you lads next week. Send me some email…I never tire of hearing from you guys.
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