8.29.99
The bitch is back, boys.
Promises are unkept, and for that I apologize. Today, however, I felt a need to reopen this part of my life, and make a comment for one very important reason:
One year ago, on this day, I decided to publish an online journal.
"Regrets? I've got a few. But then again, too few to mention," as one of my maligned friends who frequently quotes song lyrics sez. One regret that I have had recently is the lack of timely updates to this thing. That branches into the personal, however. Remember, I maintain the "Internet as Shrink" theory.
I still stick to that theory. Indeed, much has conspired since that rueful day in June when I lay my electronic pen aside for a few moments. Most important of which is in my personal life. RR and I are still on the rocks, much as he and I would rather not be. The problem? It's basic--communication. It seems that now and again, our lives fall into this cruise-control pattern, which is very pleasant, but hides a multitude of sins. Accusations are made, and incorrect assumptions are made. Feelings get hurt.
It's like one moment that we had. For lack of a better thing to do, we went out and had a drive around the island. Hours before, RR had asked me "If we were to break up, how would it happen?" An unanswerable question if ever there was one. I cannot even begin to fathom the separation of our stuffs, intermingled over the past 13 or so years. It, I guess, would have to be a negotiation process, but that's not what I wanted to talk about.
Our drive started with an arrow, and two letters. RR explained to me, "When you walk through this door next time, you will either be my "L" lover, or my "X" ex-lover. At the beginning, the arrow pointed toward the neutral, straight forward. He then pressed me to move it in the direction that I thought we were headed. I moved it to the "X." I explained, that this relationship had become too much to bear, that the other responsibilities that I had were too much to maintain with this over-talked out thing that we were trying to keep aflame for no particular reason than the fact that we had too many CD's.
He agreed. He then asked what it would take to change the arrow back to the L. I said, "I think things are copacetic right now, but I'm not willing to hang around until the pendulum swings back the other direction." He promised that good things were just around the corner, and there was not going to be a return to the 'bad' moments that had plagued us so recently. Arrow swings back to the "L."
I've a very pessimistic attitude about such things, however. Something tells me that I'm "Living in my own Private Idaho," biding the moments. Time will tell the answer, though. I'll tell you this much, though. A lot of the fears about leaving are gone. WAY GONE. I could turn on a heel and walk at a moment's notice. The events of the last month have truly hardened my heart, and strengthened my own sense of security.
~~~~
Another event has changed my outlook on a great many things. Remember I mentioned my friends ~ and ~? Well, I have to put my tail betwixt my legs and admit that I told them to just shut up and tell each other that they were in head over heels, unbelievable, absofuckinglutely wonderful love with each other. To cut that story short, one of them was; the other I think wanted to dip his wick and get over that awful virginity thing. They did meet, and for the time being, it sounded like heaven.
Then, the vacation ended, and my alter ego, ~ got dumped faster than a speeding bullet. It was a positively dreadful moment in that young man's life, and one that shouldn't have happened. I have some guilt, for it was I that introduced them in the first place, and I was also the one that pressed the issue. We go back to the "Regrets, I've had a few," for a moment. All along I had this gut feeling that there was something flaky about ~, and I even went so far as to ask him if his intentions toward ~ were honourable. "If they were not;" I told him, "If you break his heart, I'm going to rip off your head and shit down your throat."
The little prick even sent me an email saying "so I guess you can kill me now...because I've probably broken your little brother's heart…" Grrr. I've gotten over it, for the most part. He subconsciously taunts me with secretive little phrases that are aimed directly at ~, which irritate me beyond belief. His one today blew the roof off, and I told him to just fuck off. I probably shouldn’t have, given the high psychological charge of this day, but I'll tell you this much: I stand by my friends.
That's enuf for now. I don’t want to overwhelm myself on a day like today. I will leave you with a single thought…there is a beta of this site floating around in cyberspace. I know where it is, and am tweaking the last bits of code to make it work right. It REALLY kicks MondoDesiAss. So there!
Promises are unkept, and for that I apologize. Today, however, I felt a need to reopen this part of my life, and make a comment for one very important reason:
One year ago, on this day, I decided to publish an online journal.
"Regrets? I've got a few. But then again, too few to mention," as one of my maligned friends who frequently quotes song lyrics sez. One regret that I have had recently is the lack of timely updates to this thing. That branches into the personal, however. Remember, I maintain the "Internet as Shrink" theory.
I still stick to that theory. Indeed, much has conspired since that rueful day in June when I lay my electronic pen aside for a few moments. Most important of which is in my personal life. RR and I are still on the rocks, much as he and I would rather not be. The problem? It's basic--communication. It seems that now and again, our lives fall into this cruise-control pattern, which is very pleasant, but hides a multitude of sins. Accusations are made, and incorrect assumptions are made. Feelings get hurt.
It's like one moment that we had. For lack of a better thing to do, we went out and had a drive around the island. Hours before, RR had asked me "If we were to break up, how would it happen?" An unanswerable question if ever there was one. I cannot even begin to fathom the separation of our stuffs, intermingled over the past 13 or so years. It, I guess, would have to be a negotiation process, but that's not what I wanted to talk about.
Our drive started with an arrow, and two letters. RR explained to me, "When you walk through this door next time, you will either be my "L" lover, or my "X" ex-lover. At the beginning, the arrow pointed toward the neutral, straight forward. He then pressed me to move it in the direction that I thought we were headed. I moved it to the "X." I explained, that this relationship had become too much to bear, that the other responsibilities that I had were too much to maintain with this over-talked out thing that we were trying to keep aflame for no particular reason than the fact that we had too many CD's.
He agreed. He then asked what it would take to change the arrow back to the L. I said, "I think things are copacetic right now, but I'm not willing to hang around until the pendulum swings back the other direction." He promised that good things were just around the corner, and there was not going to be a return to the 'bad' moments that had plagued us so recently. Arrow swings back to the "L."
I've a very pessimistic attitude about such things, however. Something tells me that I'm "Living in my own Private Idaho," biding the moments. Time will tell the answer, though. I'll tell you this much, though. A lot of the fears about leaving are gone. WAY GONE. I could turn on a heel and walk at a moment's notice. The events of the last month have truly hardened my heart, and strengthened my own sense of security.
~~~~
Another event has changed my outlook on a great many things. Remember I mentioned my friends ~ and ~? Well, I have to put my tail betwixt my legs and admit that I told them to just shut up and tell each other that they were in head over heels, unbelievable, absofuckinglutely wonderful love with each other. To cut that story short, one of them was; the other I think wanted to dip his wick and get over that awful virginity thing. They did meet, and for the time being, it sounded like heaven.
Then, the vacation ended, and my alter ego, ~ got dumped faster than a speeding bullet. It was a positively dreadful moment in that young man's life, and one that shouldn't have happened. I have some guilt, for it was I that introduced them in the first place, and I was also the one that pressed the issue. We go back to the "Regrets, I've had a few," for a moment. All along I had this gut feeling that there was something flaky about ~, and I even went so far as to ask him if his intentions toward ~ were honourable. "If they were not;" I told him, "If you break his heart, I'm going to rip off your head and shit down your throat."
The little prick even sent me an email saying "so I guess you can kill me now...because I've probably broken your little brother's heart…" Grrr. I've gotten over it, for the most part. He subconsciously taunts me with secretive little phrases that are aimed directly at ~, which irritate me beyond belief. His one today blew the roof off, and I told him to just fuck off. I probably shouldn’t have, given the high psychological charge of this day, but I'll tell you this much: I stand by my friends.
That's enuf for now. I don’t want to overwhelm myself on a day like today. I will leave you with a single thought…there is a beta of this site floating around in cyberspace. I know where it is, and am tweaking the last bits of code to make it work right. It REALLY kicks MondoDesiAss. So there!
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